magine a house in which a child feels that the walls and floors are constantly moving and shaking. Would anyone be at peace in such a setting? For the children of alcoholics, life can feel much this way, and it is estimated that at least seven million children in America alone have alcoholic parents.
Common characteristics of caretakers and parents that accompany alcoholism-such as denial, dishonesty, selfishness, fear, and lack of consideration-have profound and direct effects on children. In this environment, self-esteem is not able to develop normally, and the emotional energy required to live with an alcoholic parent steals from the magic of childhood. These children instead learn to create walls and barriers to honest expression, and to resist sharing their emotions and developing trust. Such roadblocks cause children to shut down their own awareness of how they feel, affecting relationships with peers, relatives, and other adults. Children are left confused and full of self-doubt as they receive mixed messages from parents who are not behaving consistently, or honestly.
Children who speak up about the problem are often met with ridicule. Many times their observations, opinions, and insights are not acknowledged at all. Because immense denial is in operation about the use of alcohol and all of the destructive behaviors associated with it, children gradually disavow what they feel and lose touch with their own sense of what feels right and true.
Before intervention or treatment, children of alcoholics are like caged songbirds. They deny their own freedom because they become used to the dysfunction of constricted feelings and to restrictive ways of solving problems and conflicts.
Common emotional problems
Depression: Children who have alcoholic parents may be at a greater genetic risk of developing a mood disorder, or they may develop depression that results from the helplessness and isolation they feel at home. It is particularly difficult when both genetics and circumstances create severe depression in children.
Guilt, shame, self-blame, and embarrassment: Children exposed to the destructive forces created by alcoholic parents tend to blame themselves for the problems at an early age. This creates the difficult cycle of codependency throughout childhood and adult life in which the child feels responsible for the family chaos and tries to fix and rescue the disabled parents. This pattern runs so deep that children and adolescents may choose destructive and abusive relationships that do not meet healthy needs. The child of an alcoholic remains locked in the past, and often there is an immense conscious or unconscious desire on their part to take care of others and to try to fix other people's problems.
Such kids are often "parentified", that is, they are very mature and responsible on the outside, but on the inside they feel rage, fear and resentment about disrupted boundaries, and inappropriate expectations.
Many kids have difficulty asking for help from outside partners or asking playmates to come home with them. They dread having to reveal "terrible untold secrets at home."
Anger: Anger is often directed at the parent who is not alcoholic, for the child blames the sober parent early on for not stepping in, stopping violence or bouts of drinking, or seeking help for the family. Yet it is vital to realize that the non-alcoholic parent also participates in the cycle of alcoholism by enabling and allowing the alcoholic parent to continue such behaviors. No one is at fault; everyone needs support and help.
Anxiety: Children face very deep levels of anxiety, panic, and feelings of dread because something is never quite right in the home; this insecurity and uncertainty fuel a constant tension within children. Genetics may also play a role here as well. Children of alcoholics are at greater risk for developing anxiety and panic disorder.
Confusion: The ongoing inability of parents to perform functions consistently at home leads children to feelings of confusion, particularly when bedtime, mealtimes, and other structured activities are constantly changing. These are part of the mixed messages children receive, which lead them to their own self-doubt about what is healthy and what is not.
Warning signals
Counselors, teachers, friends, relatives, and other caring adults may sense that there is something "wrong" with a child of an alcoholic, and there are certain behaviors to look out for.
Constant excuses for parents' absences, delays and shortcomings: These can be seen as evidence that the child has become a clear "parent" within the home, particularly if they are providing care such as cooking, sending kids to school, or if they are completely in charge of the household tasks.
Ongoing or sudden school failure or truancy: Truancy may be a result of the child's need to remain at home to take care of the alcoholic parent or because chaos does not allow the child regular school attendance. Theft and lying may increase as a coping mechanism for some kids.
New or ongoing aggressive behaviors: Aggressive behavior and acting out in school or during extracurricular activities may indicate chaos at home created by alcoholism. Children who are out of control may display such outbursts in a structured setting.
Isolation, withdrawal, and lack of creating friendships: These signs may indicate that a child is too overwhelmed to include another peer or friend in his personal world. Trust is so undermined for children of alcoholics that they are unable to establish close and meaningful relationships. This difficulty carries over into adulthood, unless direct intervention is obtained.
Frequent physical complaints: Headaches, stomachaches, and limb pains may point in the direction of associated depression and anxiety that overwhelms children who are burdened by constant chaos.
Getting help
There are a number of interventions that can help children of alcoholics. Counselors, friends and teachers can refer families to pediatricians who are in touch with local social support programs. A child psychologist or child psychiatric physician can determine whether children require individual therapy and/or medications to deal with possible concurrent depression and anxiety.
But the cornerstone of treatment for children of alcoholics is group therapy. Groups provide a place in which children can express their deepest issues and feelings in a safe environment with peers. A group is sometimes the first safe place where a child of an alcoholic can establish trusting relationships. Secondly, groups comprised of peers and facilitators can provide supportive feedback and help children to understand that they are not alone.
Healing occurs in groups when peers can identify their problems and emotions and offer solutions to each other. Kids also learn to become honest with their feelings and to break the pattern of denial about their family alcoholism. Far reaching, enriching, and inspiring programs such as Alanon and Alateen teach children how to focus on their own part in the cycle of alcoholism. In these programs, even if the parent does not stop drinking, the nonalcoholic parent, children, friends and relatives can learn how to stop the pattern of enabling. Alcoholics must improve their lives on their own. The child learns that he is not responsible for the alcoholic's behavior, but he is responsible for creating his own inner peace and harmony regardless of parental behavior.
This form of treatment and therapy is a slow, ongoing process, and the key to the birdcage that imprisons the children of alcoholics. These songbirds are then given the opportunity to learn new melodies and to finally feel free.
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